Tackiest Wedding Contest

I relieve my wedding stress by mocking ridiculous wedding ideas and traditions. My friends have caught on, sending me links to gawdawful dresses and shoes, wedding stories from hell, and many ideas for how to tackify my own big day. Some of these are gut-splittingly hilarious. Any other bright ideas?

• my friend once helped out at a dinner reception where some guests showed up in shorts and flip flops. To prevent this, I will have a fashion nazi with a megaphone and burly bouncer stand at the front door. Anyone who is not dressed to my taste will be asked to go home and change or select an outfit from an available closet of formal wear.
• anyone who arrives in a white dress will be dipped in tar on the spot.
• to reduce our wedding costs, there will be an admission charge--you know, like prom. Guests can pay with cash, cashier's check, or credit card. One friend suggested I rent out a Discover Card machine because Discover charges the least per charge. Invitations will remind guests to bring their Discover cards because we won't be accepting the other guys. Personal checks will not be accepted because let's face it, some of you are shady.
• we should contact Discover and tell them our brilliant idea, in the hopes that they'll sponsor the wedding in return for prominently displaying their advertisements. It'll be the first Discover Wedding ever! If other girls can have Today Show weddings and Oprah weddings, why can't I have a Discover wedding? It's all about Discovering our new life together, right?
• because the hotel charges $4.50 a glass for soda, someone will be in charge of running in a tap from the back door, which is essentially the beach.
• because the hotel charges $20 for corkage, we'll sneak in relabelled wine and bring our own wine corkers. Wine will be poured under the table until people are so drunk they just lie down under the table to better access to the secret stash.
• to save money on a wedding dress while incorporating my new hobby into the general theme, I will design my own wedding dress and make it out of used paper targets. They come in an assortment of bold colors, so it'll be cute and fun. It'll give new meaning to "shotgun wedding."
• guests will be evited, even the guests over 50 who think Internet=AOL.

I aplogize if I've forgotten to include your tacky wedding suggestion. I've had so many I can't keep all of them straight.